I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize