ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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