Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize