my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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