I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
