we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
