why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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