Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
