she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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