if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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