wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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