Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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