Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I checked into jail on foursquare
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize