I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
