Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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