The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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