i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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