dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize