I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
