It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
only you would photoshop your dick
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We were destined to go to rehab together
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
