Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize