I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
