i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
