Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
