oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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