I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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