We're like a lot better than the average bears
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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