i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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