Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
we should paint friendship bongs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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