the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
