Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
