Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
