theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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