$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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