My sheets look like a crime scene.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
