this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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