i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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