I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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