Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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