My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sorry about my life...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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