i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
