Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
