He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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