Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
