I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
