I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
