the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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