you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize