and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
