if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize