also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
bring money and cleavage
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
