when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
