I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
