I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm just crazy horny about you
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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